A Tale o' Twa Undertakers sample
Tam and William Borthwick are brothers who share the same profession, Undertakers. But they don't share the same business. Or the same success. William's funeral parlour is highly profitable. Tam's parlour, the setting for this play, struggles for business and is heavily in debt. In this scene, William, eager to hasten his brother's bankruptcy, arrives accompanied by a court officer.
(WILL enters, ushering in an elderly man in his sixties. He is a frail, unhealthy-
TAM Whit are we gettin noo? A premature customer?
WILL I've brought you a visitor, Tam. Allow me to introduce Mister Purves.
TAM (attempting courtesy) Nice mornin?
PURVES Maybe. (He wanders away to have a good look around the room)
WILL I found Mister Purves searching the street for a certain funeral parlour with negligible business and creditors by the score. Being an obliging person, I directed the gentleman to the only place which fitted such an accurate description. Mister Purves is, of course, an officer of the Sheriff Court.
TAM (blanching) The Sheriff Court?
WILL Bad debts and other trivialities.
PURVES (to TAM) Things are no sae guid, are they? You must be.... (consults papers).... Thomas Borthwick?
TAM Aye. What aboot it?
PURVES I have in my possession a writ issued against yourself on behalf o' certain parties.... (TAM moves to the table)....in claim o' various debts, unpaid accounts maistly.
TAM (sweeping all the papers off the table) What accounts? First I've heard o' it.
PURVES Dae you not take the trouble tae read your mail?
TAM I've seen nae letter. I doot the postman must have delivered it tae the wrong address.
PURVES Three times? Permit tae refresh your memory. There is, for example, an account from a locksmith in the High Street, the sum in question being two pounds, eleven shillings and seven pence three-
TAM Oh, yon bill? Can they no haud on for a wee while?
PURVES They've been "haudin on" for six months.
TAM Six months, is it? Funny how time flies.
WILL (to PURVES) My brother's always been blessed with a rare sense of humour.
PURVES He'll need it. I have here another eighteen accounts, totalling mair than a hundred pounds.
WILL (revelling in the situation) A hundred? Would you credit that?
PURVES Now concerning payment....
TAM Payment? Aye, well, how many weeks can they wait?
PURVES Payment must be immediate, or alternatively, the contents of your premises will be auctioned by warrant.
TAM Nae other alternative?
WILL There is one. Sell to me.
TAM Never!
WILL Would you rather face the courts?
TAM Anythin, rather than sell tae you.
WILL And discredit the family name?
PURVES Come, come, gentlemen.... (He coughs heavily)... no arguments...
TAM That's a sair soundin cough you have there.
PURVES It is indeed. (Coughs intermittently) Bad for my heart, very bad.
WILL (out with his measuring tape) The heart, you say?