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Plays by Alan Richardson


Nicht o' the Blunt Claymore sample

Meg, maidservant to the Jacobite MacLeod family, is having a bad day. It's bad enough that she gets all the work to do, but she has to cope with unexpected visitors like a local Hanoverian magistrate and a Jacobite rebel. If that wasn't bad enough, she gets an unwelcome visit from the local minister.

MEG It's yourself, Reverend Graham.

GRAHAM  May I come in?

MEG  Be my guest.

GRAHAM  Thank you. Weel, it's been a nice day has it no?

MEG  I havenae noticed.

GRAHAM  Aye....er....is your mistress at hame?

MEG  Aye. But she said tae say she wis oot.

GRAHAM  That's a pity. I was hopin tae see her aboot the hole.

MEG  The whit?

GRAHAM  The hole in the kirk roof.

MEG  Ah didnae notice ony hole in the roof last time ah wis at kirk.

GRAHAM  Neither you would have. It was a mere crack last Christmas.

MEG  Whit was your business wae my mistress?

GRAHAM  She promised tae help my fund-raisin collection, said she haud some item she wished tae donate.

MEG  Ah've nae idea whit it wis. You'll need tae see her yourself.

GRAHAM  You wouldn't perchance have some item tae offer? Perhaps some auld claithes?

MEG  Ah've got plenty o' them.


MEG  Ah'm wearin them.

GRAHAM  Aye....er....it's imperative this hole be repaired as quickly as possible. Last Sunday I was in the middle o' preachin aboot Noah and the great flood when suddenly there was an awfy doon-pour and hauf the congregation got drookit. The kirk's only hauf fu' at the best o' times. Now the hauf that attend have a rare excuse to join the hauf that dinnae.

MEG  Never mind, it micht stey dry this Sunday gin you dinnae tempt providence by preachin aboot Jock the Baptist or Moses partin the green sea.

GRAHAM  John the Baptist and the sea was red.

MEG  You'll hae nae bother raisin money, seein you hae sic an overwhelmingly generous congregation. Ah've never seen yon collection bowl empty.

GRAHAM  Aye. I must hae the best collection o' foreign coins in the country.

MEG  Imagine folk bein sae mean. Ah never pass the bowl withoot drappin in a farthing.

GRAHAM  That should mak your annual contribution add up tae approximately a penny.

MEG  You ken ah'd come mair aften if ah haud the time, but ah'm slavin awa oan a Sunday jist the same.

GRAHAM  The guid book tells us the Sabbath is the day o' rest.

MEG Then it's time my maister wis catchin up oan his readin. It's naethin but toil a' day lang. Ah never stop for a meenit.

GRAHAM  Weel, I mustn't keep you frae your work. (He goes to the door) Tell your mistress I'll come back later.

MEG  She'll be enchantit ah'm shair. Guid day, Reverend Graham.

GRAHAM  Guid day. (He exits)

MEG (closing the door)  Haverin auld goat.